you can call me Bez

Deleted Twitter Drafts: Volume I-Hate-Myself (3)

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 16:31:18 -0500

-Kids, when you change the channel during Home Improvement it makes mommy want to go back in time and get her tubes tied.

-Halter tops are most definitely the best way to make sure my back fat can breathe all day long.

-Think I put too much soap in.

UGH, NO FUN AFTER ALL.

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 12:51:21 -0500

UGH, NO FUN AFTER ALL.

MUST. CLIMB. RIGHT. NOW.

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 12:49:14 -0500

MUST. CLIMB. RIGHT. NOW.

Steve

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 15:13:25 -0500

I guess the best thing about this place is the gnomes that emerge from the padded walls at night. We play lots of fun games when no one is watching. They call me Steve, or sometimes even Silly Steve, which is weird cuz I’m a lady! Ladies aren’t named Steve. My name is Flower Bucket but the gnomes just won’t have it!

the thoughts he thunk

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 01:53:00 -0500

looks like that girl needs a cab, I’ll speed up really fast, then slam on the breaks when my car is right next to her. why does this chick smell like applesauce and brandy? does she know her face is covered in Cheetos? why does she have so many bags? who the hell carries around a 6 pack of paper towels on a Friday night? how is she texting with her eyes closed?

RIP GPOYW 2K9. (feel kinda bad for my bro-in-law, he married...

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 23:16:37 -0500

RIP GPOYW 2K9.

(feel kinda bad for my bro-in-law, he married into to dealing w/ this bitch).

what up 2010

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:07:00 -0500

I’m switching teams again.

Christmas 2008

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 11:26:39 -0500

Christmas 2008

Boif Recipe

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 13:10:16 -0500

How do I make someone be my boifriend? I’m new at this. I was thinking maybe tie pants around his ankles and hang him upside-down from the ceiling fan until he’s like, “yeah, ok we date now.”

DEALBREAKER: You live with your Dad.

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 12:13:54 -0500

I’ve been having a great time with you, you’re hilarious and nice and a gentleman. But seriously? Move out of your father’s apartment. You are 35. I know you make enough money to live on your own, so stop pretending you’re poor. I can’t believe you actually tried to sneak me past your dad in the morning. That cemented the fact that you’ll never be seeing me in the morning, like ever again.

aaaaaaand

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 15:48:46 -0500

I just met the Freelance Whales.

Found an awesome self-portrait I took a few months ago, sorry...

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 15:19:33 -0500

Found an awesome self-portrait I took a few months ago, sorry it’s a total “myspace angle” I just thought it was cute.

I'm playing a game tonight.

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 12:34:49 -0500

It’s called Bez Robs the Cradle. I seriously don’t think he’s old enough to legally drink. Actually, he probably only asked me out so I could buy beer for him & his friends.

heeeey, somebody put BUILDINGS in that building.

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 15:14:34 -0500

heeeey, somebody put BUILDINGS in that building.

and the next thing I know I receive an email with subject line "BRAS FOR YOUR BOOBIES"

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 13:35:42 -0500

for @weselec via Sketchy Santas

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:24:50 -0500

for @weselec

via Sketchy Santas

Before and During. NYRR Holiday 4 Mile Race. 12/12/09.

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 18:00:44 -0500

Before and During.

NYRR Holiday 4 Mile Race. 12/12/09.

yayaa: @justregularbez knows what she’s doing, the rest of us...

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 14:57:04 -0500

yayaa:

@justregularbez knows what she’s doing, the rest of us merely write notes.

WHAT. A. BITCH.

eoporto: OMG I heart Bez. Also, I DON’T CARE IF THIS IS A...

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 11:40:59 -0500

eoporto:

OMG I heart Bez. Also, I DON’T CARE IF THIS IS A MYSPACE ANGLE. Lol Beer.

LOL THAT UNDERAGE GUY I SLIPPED MY NUMBER TO. and the dog that got a boner over my sour patch kids. eoports you the best.

DEALBREAKER: Opposing Viewpoint

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:53:23 -0500

Written from the point of view of the homies I write dealbreakers about.

Dealbreaker: You Don’t Shut Up. Like, ever. I thought you were just nervous in the beginning, and that’s why you talked through dinner. But I seriously don’t even understand how you finished your food, since the only thing I remember is words coming out your mouth. How did you have time to put anything in? Oh haha, yeah, that’s what she said. Are you saying that ironically? Nevermind, it doesn’t matter. Wow, you sure joke about farts a lot. Are you a 12 year old boy? Because that would make me a gay pedophile. And I already decided not to be a preist. I won’t be calling. Then you can go write a dealbreaker about me “being mean” or “not eating” or some shit.