notice how I didn’t enable answers? It is because I don’t care what you think. Back to your regularly scheduled CallMeBez awfulness.
OMG JK I’D NEVER LET ANYONE I WAS DATING SEE MY TWITTER ACCOUNT. That would be like begging them to write a dealbreaker about me.
We went dinner. You mocked my taste in music. You laughed at me when I didn’t know who your favorite band was. I mentioned that I’d sang at a club nearby, and you told me about the terrible sound system there. For some reason you thought all of those magic words were going to make me want to go home with you. Riiiight.
On our first date. Yes, I realize it was probably the booze talking. But still, you said it. This is totally sexist, but now I kinda think of you as a girl and I’m not quite ready to be in a lesbian relationship.
You keep telling me how you used to be fat, and that you lost weight by only consuming coffee and cigarettes. I’m pretty used to eating as much food as a guy, but this is just depressing. You order a burger and take ONE BITE while I go to town on a pasta dish and two appetizers. This might have to end now. Also you smell like an ashtray-latté.
Really? Did you think I wouldn’t notice, like IMMEDIATELY? Because I did. That is why I used every ounce of my feeble upper body strength to hurl you off the bed. And that is why I’m leaving your apartment, never to return. Remember how your brother FREAKED OUT last month he knocked up his girlfriend? Well, I’m sensing a pattern. All signs point to you being an idiot.
You write your emails in comic sans. Not as a joke, but like, for real. Even on your company email account. That is just not ok.
You’re really fun and somehow totally get my awful sense of humor. Why did you just laugh so hard when I mentioned pirates? Oh, because you have a pirate tattoo? That’s cool, I think. What was that? You have a scroll directly above your wang that says “Surrender the Booty” and a pirate that takes up your entire left torso? AND a sexy pirate wench atop a treasure chest on your right torso? Yeah, you’re right, that IS hilarious! If it were on a t-shirt. And I was a 15 year old boy from Staten Island.
Yes, I remember you from high school. Yes, I remember that you ”had a like, giant crush on my sister back then.” Yes, I do know that I look a lot like her. YES, I also know that my sister is now married, and that you asked me out shortly after finding that out. The only thing I don’t know is why I’m still on this date with you. Let me correct that real quick. BYE.
